A Good Woman
I’ve been waiting for the words to surface to start writing again…and now I feel like it just all wants to spill out of me and I don’t know where to start or what to actually say…
But first, Matthew just went down for the night. And I held his little body wearing only a diaper because he’s just too warm-bodied to sleep any other way in the summer. And I sniffed his little head of hair and I squeezed him and still, almost 14 months in, I have moments like this where it doesn’t seem real….that I have this baby, that I’m a mom, that this is my life.
So he’s sleeping. And I have dishes that have piled up from the day, and more importantly, bottles that need cleaned for tomorrow’s feedings. So it’s all very real but these tasks can wait…because write, I must.
But where, where shall I begin?!
It’s been over a year since my last blog post. So there’s so much to say.
Like how I’ve been deconstructing my faith over the last few years, and I feel like I’m preparing the foundation to start to rebuild. I’m using some of the bricks I’ve taken down, but also sourcing new materials.
This process has been quite disorienting but absolutely necessary for my growth. And I’m excited for the new build.
Then there’s the last 14 months of motherhood where I’ve functioned with such little sleep and faced some of the biggest challenges of my life.
There has been so much shifting and change and yet, so much is still the same.
I had glimpses of the dichotomy this past weekend when I had a few hours to step away.
I paddled and floated with my best friends on a lake. Fully me and full of different perceptions and perspectives.
And at one point, I slid off my board for a dip in the water. My best friends and I laughed when I said how dangerous it seemed. And you had to be there to see because it was such an intentional and careful act.
But maybe, just maybe, that act was a baptism - my third.
The first was in a fundamental, independent Baptist church in a small town in New Mexico when I was of elementary age. The second time was just outside a small village in Mozambique, Africa in my mid-thirties. And now, in the middle of Lake Pleasant, Arizona - I was baptized again.
And it felt dangerous and risky because I’m not a great swimmer and I wasn’t wearing a life vest. And being a mom, my choices carry a different weight.
But that dip symbolized old life to new.
From just me to now me and Matthew. I’m still independent and adventurous but cautious with someone dependent on me.
From old religion to something new that I’m still working to articulate. But I know that I’ve never felt so held and free.
So I want this space to serve as a place for me to find the words…and maybe there aren’t words…and maybe there are less absolutes. And maybe I just need to be in mystery…time will tell.
Speaking of be-ing…I’ve been working with the most epic life coach, who recently encouraged me to shed some thoughts and expectations so I could truly, “be in possibility.”
And that resonated. To be in possibility. Yes, I want that.
One of my first assignments was to redefine what a “good girl” meant to me. And to start, she would be renamed a “Good Woman.”
And I made my list and these are just a few of the attributes I noted of a Good Woman:
Chooses herself over and over and over again
Loves other unconditionally
Can change her mind
Evolves
Is complete within herself
Has permission to experience the spectrum of emotions
Is willing to fail
Follows her curiosity
Trusts herself over anyone else
As I made this list, it helped me embrace where I am on this journey. I’m not who I was but I’m uncovering who has always been in me.
Being Matthew’s mother is my greatest gift and it doesn’t define me.
Because I’m not trying to be defined. My journey has and forever will be discovering me. And undoubtedly motherhood is pivotal to my ongoing self-discovery.
And to add further to my list…
A good girl adheres to absolutes. A Good Woman rests in mystery.
A good girl has expectations. A Good Woman revels in possibility.
I'm a deeply Good Woman, and it feels good to be me.