Tiny Feet

Tomorrow marks 28 weeks so 12 more to go!!!!

When I was at 12 weeks, I opted to do the prenatal screening test that can be done as early as nine weeks.

The main purpose for this test is to determine the possibility of genetic conditions, which wasn’t even on my radar. I was still basking in the miracle of my conception that this was the last thing I was concerned about. I chose to do this test only because it also determines gender and I was too impatient to wait 6-8 more weeks to find out if a little boy or girl was forming in me.

The test was supposed to take about a week but a week had passed and I didn’t hear anything…then a couple more days passed and I received a voicemail from the office, asking if I was available to come in that day…and my heart sunk. I knew there was more to the results than whether I was having a boy or girl.

When my Nurse Practitioner walked in the room, she was all smiles…so I smiled back and then immediately asked, “is everything okay?” Her smile shifted and she shook her head and said, “no.” So I burst into tears and stood up for her to embrace me as I cried and asked, “what is it?” And she said, “Down sydnrome.”

She had me sit back down and held the results in front of me and that’s when I discovered the news I had been waiting for…

I am having a BOY!!!

Though this was a bit of a shock, too, as I was certain it was a girl but this caused some happy tears to fall in the midst of the grief.

When I finally came to a stopping point and could catch my breath, my Nurse Practitioner asked if I wanted to hear his heartbeat and of course, I said yes.

So more happy tears were shed and once I assured her I was all cried out, she sent me home with a box of tissue.

As soon as I got in my car, I called a dear friend who had walked a similar journey and she immediately came and met me in the parking lot where I cried more as she listened to whatever I had to say and prayed for me and hugged me with all she had.

After we parted ways, I made more phone calls…cried more tears…then went numb the next few days.

I don’t think I had any more tears left in me…but in the weeks that followed, they would come and go.

Shortly after receiving these results, I connected with a mama from church who has a toddler with Down syndrome. Our conversation was encouraging and provided some much needed peace…and it wasn’t until about a month later that I decided to reach out to some other mama’s of boys with Ds. The comfort they provided by assuring me that they had experienced all the same feelings and thoughts that I was having, but were now on the other side with sons they couldn’t live without, grew my hope. But the truth is, some of their reality also grew my grief.

During this time, I had the anatomy scan which I found myself in much anxiety over. Heart conditions and other issues can occur with Down syndrome so I began to worry. While the ultrasound results noted a few markers that would indicate Ds, the overall report was good. Siiiiiigh…

Then the fetal echo cardiogram was next, which would get an even better picture of his heart…and this time, I was thankful to not feel so anxious and all the more thankful when it came back normal. Siiiiiiigh…

(Side-note: deep exhales are happening and so felt as I type this. Note to self: writing is so good for my soul.)

And then I’m grateful for the friend who told me I could be worrying for nothing. And I don’t know what it was about the way she said it, but it changed me. I’ve stopped all the angst and worry that was robbing the joy of this precious time.

At this point, the only way to truly know if he has Down syndrome is to do an amniocentesis, which I don’t feel led to do. So I won’t know for certain until he gets here. And I’m ready for whatever the outcome may be.

Because all that matters is Love created him. Love led me to him. And I’m so in love with him.

I’m so grateful to be his mom. So so grateful. The love and grace showered on us is sustaining me…and this is just the beginning.

While I’ve moved through a lot of grief, I know there could be more to come. Even just recently, some unexpected circumstances outside of what I’ve shared here has been cause for some leaving me altogether bewildered. I used to love to ask God, “why?” But I’ve learned that why doesn’t result in answers I’m looking for. So I may feel bewildered and tempted to ask, but ultimately I’m seeking peace that comes by accepting life as it is and will be.

Because the truth is I. AM. HAVING. A. BABY!!!! Such a miracle. Such a gift.

And through it all, Love is certain and the only answer I need.

So in the name of Love and my son, I welcome all that is and is to come.

For these tiny feet are the hope within me and the joy set before me.